Crossroads

So, I seem to have these people in my life who always know the things I need to hear. No, I do not think it is at all a coincidence that within the last 48 hours I have prayed for some very specific things, and have completely been given my answer through the words of others.

I am so scared of the way my brain works, I know that having bipolar tendencies makes my head think repetitively and I have obsessive thoughts that are not really productive to myself. I fight these so much, that sometimes I don't know if it's a thought I keep having because I'm supposed to do it, or because I'm sabotaging me. Well a way that I have always dealt with this is to stop talking to people. Just disappear for awhile, so I don't say anything mean, or do anything really reckless and wrong, and so I don't destroy relationships. I have prayed about how to deal with these obsessions when someone suggested maybe I shouldn't push others away. My real friends will love me even through my moments. It was a light bulb moment, a real oh, I shouldn't distrust everyone Bing!

Also, at work there are some girls who I call my counselors. We have therapy every Saturday night. I know that they have helped me with loaning me books, watching my children, and always being somewhere safe I could cry. Well last night someone asked me if I could name the crossroads in my life and if I had made the right choices. I can think of 3 very distinct crossroads in my marriage alone. Each time I would pray and follow the answer feeling confused about why? Well I've had some of those whys answered and I realized that RIGHT NOW is a huge crossroads in my life. I have made my decision and have already felt the blessings.

Dusty has been one of my closest friends since we were 12. She is Daas and I am Kenicky. I'm the Red M she the Yellow M. She's having some huge trials and when I call her to try and be supportive it is she who gives me an answer about what I should be doing. I know I'm in school, I'm a mommy, I need to support my family, go to church....but for so long I've been working on a marriage. Always thinking of things to make my relationship better...what do I do now? Well Daas told me I should be working on my relationship with me, so that I see myself as a Queen. It's really a hard thing to think about, but it was such an answer on what I should focus on for myself. I need to start coming first, loving myself first, and just loving me as well as my life.

Thank you Daas, my sister, my friend. I love you, and I miss you!


K

Klair's Wedding Pics

So even though her wedding was almost 3 weeks ago, here are Klair's wedding pics shot by the AMAZING Joyana. I had some tough requirements for her and she did GREAT!
If you want to check out her amazing web site for photography check HERE

If you live in Colorado and are looking for an affordable, amazing photographer she's your gal!












Something good.....I'm learning how to take care of myself when I can't control my head. I'm learning when to turn to others and when to turn to me. I still don't like the manic thinking, but I'm learning how to deal with it.

K

3 weeks

3 more weeks with about 5 tests and then it's summer. 3 more weeks of desperately attempting to find baby sitters, 3 more weeks of being on restricted work hours and not making any money. 3 more weeks until I'm 3/4 of a nurse. 3 more weeks until I can spend an entire day with my children without feeling guilty that I don't study enough. 3 more weeks of studying while I feel guilty about not spending enough time with my kids. 3 more weeks of only reading medical textbooks. 3 more weeks of having to work every saturday night and usually being too tired to go to church. 3 more weeks of being so exhausted I have literally talked out loud to myself to "GET OUT OF BED, YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS DEGREE FOR 5 YEARS!" 3 more weeks and I can breathe knowing that most people don't fail the last semester. 3 more weeks and then I can breathe a little easier.......

K

Hair dilema

I'm such a girl, I cut all my hair off, then a few months later I'm debating on whether or not I want it long or short. Seriously, through all the stress I have of tests, and clinical paperwork, and bills, and work the thought that is constantly running through my head is about my hair? Help, I would love some suggestions or votes!

My hair is now dark. This picture is courtesy of the amazing Joyana!


Something REALLY good....I'm sure there will be set backs, I was involved and cared for a long time. But I think I'm breathing all on my own, almost for the first time. And it feels wonderful!

K

Come What May and Love It

My daily inspiration today came from my beloved Tutu. My Grandma Gucci. She has always been the person in my life that I strive to be like. She is always beautiful and loving on the inside and outside. She sent me an email letting me know she loves me and giving me an amazing link to a conference talk by Elder Joseph B. Worthlin called "Come What May and Love It." I now have this talk saved as a favorite web site and I hope to watch it often to remind myself that life is short, trials are short, and my purpose is to take what I'm given and make the best of my life.

Come What May and Love It Link




Something good....I bought new sheets. I'm changing things around me to the way I want them.

K

Be in the moment

I remember having moments when I was so exhausted that the thought of making dinner or putting the kids to bed....well I couldn't do it. R would have to step in, we were good about dividing things like that. Now, well when you don't have a choice it becomes easy. How do I survive on little sleep, little study time, little money, little me time, and the list goes on...Well because I don't have a choice. Someday it won't be so hard, someday I will have free time and be more self independent. But for now, I'm doing what I need to do. Whatever I need to do. And it's not hard, when you don't have any other options, it becomes second nature. Dinner, while studying, making dessert, changing the dvd, doing laundry...all at the same time? No problem! Just turn on my ipod and dance my way through it. I will have time later to read a book, but I won't have time later to hug my 2 year old when he's 3. Or work with Syd on letter sounds when she's 12. Savor now!! It's not so bad when you just be in the moment.


Something good....I shoveled my driveway today. I didn't like it, but I did it. And I shoveled my neighbors side walk too. Who knows? Maybe they were having a bad day. Someone helped me, so I'm going to help another.

K

Snowed In

There is a blizzard in Colorado. I actually had class cancelled this morning (I've lived here 3 1/2 years, that's never happened before)

So it's a stay in your pjs, snowed in kind of day. To start Sydnee and Beckham decided to find their "baby bear" and "baby puppy" (Sydnee's names for the animals that they were given as babies from Mommy and Daddy) I actually found the pictures that I have of the kids as babies with their animals. They're from build-a-bear and have the lullaby button in a paw for each of them.

Baby Girl Sydnee and her Bear (she's smaller than the bear!)

5 year old Syd and her Baby Bear

Beckham and his puppy (Sydnee picked it out)

Sorry Baby Puppy, he's a boy!

Later we all bundled up and went outside. Sydnee wanted to make a snowman! The snow was perfect! Although this is the second snowman, the first one was tragically destroyed by a 2 year old tackling it while Mommy was searching for a snowman face in the house.

This picture is literally 2 seconds before that snowball hit my face. Becks has really good aim!

Kids playing in the snow

After playing in the snow we all came inside and sat next to the fire!

Then we had Hot Cocoa! (Sydnee wanted the straw, I think it ruins the cocoa taste)


All in all a fun day, although I think I'm starting to miss adult conversation.

For an update on me, well I'm kind of scared. Why? Well because I feel so peaceful with how my life is right now. Balancing all of this is really hard, but I'm loving life right now. I'm loving my children, schooling (to a point) being able to spend time working on me, my home.....it all feels so right. I'm not really sad anymore, I'm happy with what is going on and I feel that it's what I should be doing. I'm scared because I don't want to go back to feeling devastated and hurt. I'm not angry, I'm not bitter (usually) I just feel peace.

Something good.....I started my very first fire in my home all by myself. I've never done that before. I sat there amazed for a minute at how far I've come in so short of a time.

K

Eat some food you dork!

I work in a hospital I'm in nursing school, I've been through EMT school, I have kids...I've seen it all. Nothing scares me or makes me cringe! Well today was my clinical day in the ER. I still wasn't feeling good so I had some oatmeal for breakfast. Then off I went to clinicals. I was in the ER, assisting the dr with stitches, sterile gloves on, holding someones lip up so the doc could stitch and I got this really funny feeling. I look up at another nurse and she says "you're really white." My response..."I feel funny." Then I let go and fell to the ground. I didn't lose consciousness, I just couldn't open my eyes or move. I knelt down there while everyone is freaking out. And my only thought is, I'm kneeling on the ground in a white scrub dress (yes I wear a dress, it's cute) So finally I get into a wheelchair and eventually after being force fed orange juice I start to feel better. One of the nurses says, yeah sometimes seeing a laceration like that for the first time can do that....Wait, I don't care about blood, or cuts, or anything like that! So what happened? I've never EVER been anywhere close to fainting, ever! Well, thinking about it, since I've felt so sick I basically haven't eaten anything since Saturday. So maybe I need food. Actually after lunch I felt 10 times better.

Morale of the story, eat something you dork!

Klair's wedding was today. Joyana took AMAZING pics! I can't wait to post them. I was doing fine, until I saw Sydnee walking down the aisle. A whole montage of the moments of our life and all the things I had dreamed about flooded my mind. It hurts, even when I'm starting to accept more and more that this is the right thing. It still hurts.


Something good.....I wear a scrub dress, a flower in my hair, and fishnet stockings with a seam. It's totally different, and I wear it with pride!

Thank you

So here's how today was supposed to work. I worked last night (my first night back) then I was meeting my family and my babies at my parent's ward for Easter sacrament meeting (the kids and I all had matching colored outfits) I would go home and sleep for awhile then I would go to my parent's house for lunch with everyone (I will explain the everyone comment later) All this while pretending it's not mine and R's anniversary.

Here's how it actually worked....I think I'm allergic to certain tree nuts because every time I eat them I get really sick. So I had brazil nuts to snack on at work last night (healthy right?) Well then in the middle of the night my stomach decided it didn't like anything so I puked up everything. Ugh, I hate stomach flu feeling stuff. So instead of going to church I decided to go home and get sleep, so no matching outfits, no church. I wake up to slush everywhere. I'm still sick, but I didn't want to spend this day alone, without my kids. So I drive to my parents, give the kids their Easter baskets and didn't eat anything for fear of my allergy (I swear I looked it up, I have other times when this has happened too!)

While leaving my house I noticed that the snow needed to be shoveled on my driveway and sidewalk. It's a CO law that snow has to be removed within 24 hrs. Plus it makes it easier to drive your car. I was crying because I felt so sick, so alone, and I HATE shoveling snow.

At my parents Sydnee got to hunt for Easter eggs that were left on my porch last night. They're from a secret friend, but someone must have known that I wasn't able to get any eggs for the kids to find. I also cried when I found that bag. I finally felt so sick I came home, it makes me sad. I want to spend time with the kids, but they're having so much fun with everyone at my parents house. I'm not going to be selfish and make them come home just so I'm not lonely. I drove home to realize that while I was gone someone shoveled my driveway and sidewalk. I started bawling. It was the one thing that I was so upset about. It's little, but it was always something R did, and today I'm struggling. So thank you! I don't even know who did it, nor do I think they would tell me. But thank you for the eggs, thank you for the snow. It's not a little thing to me.

Sydnee and our secret friend Easter eggs. Beckham was too involved with his new train set to want to find Easter eggs, but Syd loved it!



I had to take a picture so I can remember all the blessings I am receiving


So why is everyone at my parents? Well my baby sister Klair is getting married tomorrow. So my grandparents, aunt, and a bunch of friends are all my parents house. Tomorrow is the wedding, I'm trying to be happy for someone getting married, but I keep getting told that I'm a little bitter. Well my Grandma says it's ok, just spit it out and get it over with. Well Klair bear, stinky aunt klair, corey, drain bamaged sister of mine. Congratulations, I really hope that everything for you is happy.
3 sisters

Klair

The BEST picture I could find of Klair, I should post this up tomorrow.


Thank you again,

Something good.....I know how to dye my own hair.

K

I know I'm being taken care of. I know that things aren't "just working out" for me. Heavenly Father is making my path as clear and easy as he can through this. But right now at this moment I still don't know why this is my path. I go 2 days without pain, without crying. Then when he finally calls to see how we are after 5 days of silence, I hurt again. Seriously? 5 days? The past 6 years means that much?

Saying something good.....
I have cute feet!

K

Flower Child

So Fawn turned me on to wearing flowers. I used to wear plumerias in my hair but only when I was wearing a lavalava wrap to church or somewhere, but I now have a lot of flower clips and I love wearing them. So today for clinicals I wore a flower in my hair. I came home from clinicals and Sydnee was also wearing a flower in her hair (she does her own hair so it was coincidence) So I grabbed the camera and took a quick pic of us. Sadly I'm bad at the whole hold the camera for yourself thing, so you can't see Syds pretty pink flower. But she is wearing her cool sunglasses she found under the leaves (whatever, I'll bathe her later)


I love you Sassy!


Alright still trying to think of good things, lets see.....
I don't freak out about things being perfect, we can get dirty, we can be loud, we can goof off. Sometimes you don't have to be perfect, you can clean up later!

Speaking of cleaning up (no ducks were harmed in the taking of this bath!)

K

Rock Stars!

Well since I hope to spend all day tomorrow in codes and thrilling clinical experiences, I'm going to blog right now what happened today.

Clinicals were cancelled (don't know why, but I'll take it)

Long day...dr, Syd school, therapy (because I seriously need it right now) gym, dinner, kids in bed, blog, get ready for clinicals. That's my list. But as sad as I am, as much as it hurts I get brief glimpses at what I used to be like, and how I hope to be again.

I think music is something that can change your feelings. Is has a magic that can express the emotions you can't say out loud. Also, I think that I am a cross between Shakira (minus the abs) and Steven Tyler (minus the lips) when I am in my kitchen with my ipod. My kids have become accustomed to my performances they ignore me as I sing anything from Wicked to Beyonce. Well tonight I guess it had been awhile since I had performed so when I plugged my ipod into the speaker and I started to sing the kids joined me. Well at first Syd joined me and Becks gave us funny looks until he was done with his dinner, then we had a family band in the living room. I'm grateful for moments like this, my family is not broken, and I may feel broken, but I'm working on it. I hope to get there. So for your viewing pleasure.

The Iannoli Trio......






I'm supposed to work on saying good things about me so.....
I make adorable children!

K

Just keep going....

2nd day, ok. Watched conference, kept my house clean, fed kids, took nap, bathed kids, talked with my parents, end!

That's how I see my days right now. What do I need to do to get to the end? Lisa told me yesterday when I was crying about how I had such a bad first day that I wasn't supposed to be perfect on my first day. I don't think it'll ever be perfect, but I would like to get to the point that it's not painful all day. I am grateful for all the blessings that are surrounding me. People who offer to help and honestly mean it. Friends who seem to call at the perfect times, my family that loves me, and moisturizer that I'm convinced is magic and will keep all my crying wrinkles at bay.

Here are some pics from our sleepover at the Lewis' house. The kids watched a movie together, then when they went to bed Lisa and I watched Twilight with the commentary. And she gave me an Edward poster. So now I'm a geek who has a Twilight poster right next to my desk. But whatever, I'm embracing my geek!


Gavin, Ryan, Sydnee, and Beckham at their first sleep over!!!

My babies! Becks wanted to be next to Syd


This is what happens when you tell my 5 year old that it's cold today, and to dress warm!


K

0 for 1

Yesterday was the first day home, alone. I think I completely was defeated by the whole thing. I did well until about 4pm. R broke the tv so the old tv was moved upstairs. Well it wasn't connected to the vcr, so Becks couldn't watch Thomas the Train. For him that was a huge catastrophe, and I couldn't get the vcr connected. There was a lot of crying. Finally I left the room and went to my bed to cry. I'm mad at you, why do you just get to pack a leave? We were supposed to be partners!

Sydnee came into the room and comforted me. Am I a bad mother that my 5 year old becomes the sensible one? The one who calms everyone down? She was so sweet. Earlier she vacuumed the basement so I would feel happy. I am so grateful for her and her love, but I feel guilty that she is more stable than I am. Am I making her grow up too fast? She fills in the other parent and partner role? I want her to be a little girl, not feel that responsibility. Today is a new day, we're trying again.

Thank goodness for conference.....

Fear and Faith cannot exist together!


K

We're home now. Things can start to kick in. Sydnee has been asking to come home for days.

Nothing's different, everything's changed.

K

The papers said "irrevocably broken"

He's gone


K

Last day

It's the last day he'll be here. The last morning our kids are going to wake up and demand "cancakes!" (which are actually waffles) We're going to the lawyers office this afternoon, 2 hours to decide the terms for the rest of my life. Then it's over, it will be official in June. Through all this I feel like screaming "wait, how did we get here? What happened?" There's no specific incident, no one moment that defines what or why this is happening. It's faith, I know what I'm supposed to be doing, I have a hint at why, but a lot of the time, I really don't like it. How do you divorce someone you love? How do you watch that person leave your life? How do you keep looking life in the eye when you know that tomorrow everything changes?

K

Help

Today I feel crazy out of control! I NEED my hair to be dark again, I don't feel like myself. I don't recognize my pictures and I really stand to look at them. I need my hair back to normal, I need to feel normal. I hate manic thinking.

K