D Day!

I was expecting this day to be so painful. So many years, so many moments all gone. I was so nervous, going into court, having to testify in front of a judge....But it was so simple. Lisa took off work and came with me. The judge was very kind and although the answers to my questions were sad, they were the truth and once I said them it was fine. When the judge reviewed the case and announced her ruling and that the marriage was dissolved there was a peace and happiness that came over me. I expected tears and instead I wanted to do a dance! That moment is just one more affirmation that I am doing what I am supposed to do.

With my official papers in front of the court


How do we celebrate? PEDICURES!!!!


The amazing girls in my ward put together a dinner for me! We had so much fun! I love my ward!! Also they all got together and brought me some movies. My movie collection was severely reduced back in April!


Lisa and I then drove across the parking lot to Chilis for dessert. White chocolate molten lava cake with raspberry my favorite!!! Thank you Lisa for staying with me all day, for listening to me as I rambled and always supporting me. I couldn't have gone through the last 7 months without YOU!!!!

Beckham is still in AZ so today Sydnee and I went to the Wolf Ranch pool with Joyana and her kids. We had so much fun! THANK YOU Joyana!!!

Sassy and Mommy

Something good....I didn't realize that even though separated there was almost a leash that was tying me down. But it's gone now, I feel a freedom and a happiness that is overwhelming. Life is exhausting but I'm still going to keep kicking!

K

Uncle Dave's Funeral

I have a lot of pictures from the trip but for now I'm only going to post the ones of my family. The funeral was beautiful, my Uncle Dave was such an incredible man!

Me, Tia (cousin) and KaMaili (Dave's daughter)


3 HOT girls
Klair, me and Kadi


Close up of the HOTTNESS (seriously I made them drive around in a convertible with leather seats, it was HOT)


Margayle (daughter in law) with Kamee (grandaughter)

The siblings and Mother

Clay (my dad) Mike, Grandma, Mag, and Rob

Grandma Guchi

The whole family

Jayce (grandson)

The whole family again

The boys with Aunt Melody

I wish I lived closer to my family! I love being with them and feeling the love and support we give each other.

Something good....well today is D day so I'll let you know later!

K

Countdown complete!

SUN!!

I'm here in sunny Mesa, AZ!!!! Long drive, early morning, Syd got car sick, but it was relatively smooth sailing. Tonight I had to hand my children over to R. One of the hardest things I've had to do, so to distract myself. Fawn and I are going out!!! Pics to follow!

Something good.....I got my grandfathers scrub top back!
K

4.........

I'm not ready

Considering that I will be driving for 13+ hours tomorrow I decided I should write something now. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I was planning to go to AZ in 2 weeks but this sudden trip is really difficult for me to think about. I'm not ready, I'm not ready to face my entire family, I'm not ready to have to admit my mistakes to them, I'm not ready to have to say goodbye to a dear member of that family, I'm not ready to see him, I'm not ready to let my children go to him. I won't be there, I can't be the mama bear and ensure that they are protected. I'm not ready for court tonight, I'm not going to have time to get ready for court on monday. There must be a reason for everything, but I want it to slow down, stop even. I don't feel ready, but I'm not going to run, I will hold my head up, let a few tears roll down my cheeks as they have been doing in almost a constant state for the last few days, but I will look ahead. Take each challenge as it appears, and keep looking up.

Something good....I have faith that it will all work
K

5.......

One more day down

I'm trying to update everyday. I don't know if it's going to work especially if I'm leaving for AZ EARLY thursday. But today is just another day. Syd went to preschool, I went to the gym, had a dr appt, had my dad over for fajitas, cleaned the house....the end. Everything is happening, so fast. All these things that have taken so long are now sprinting to the finish line. I don't know what the end results will be, I have decided all my actions but it's ok and whatever happens, happens.

Something good.... R used to make steak fajitas, they were awesome and I would crave them. Well tonight I decided that the things that I miss I can do for myself. I made them, and they were just as good (you can't improve beyond taste perfection) I am capable of doing it myself!
K

6.....

Aloha

I am saddened today to have to write that my Uncle Dave passed away this morning. He is my father's brother. My Jones family has always been close and he will be missed so much. My Uncle Dave was a Bishop when R and I decided to get married so he is the one that married us. He has had some health problems but we are all sad and shocked by this.

My week was already going to be a fight so this just adds to how hard it's going to be. I have a parent court class on wed so after that we will be leaving for AZ. We'll arrive on Thursday, the funeral is Friday then I need to be home by Monday so I can go to court for the final time.

Aloha Uncle Dave, I love you, give Grandpa a hug from all of us and let him know how we have missed him, as we will always miss you.

Something good....Families are Forever!
K

7.......

Garden of the Gods

Since yesterday I got to spend an afternoon with Sassy, today Becks and I went to Garden of the Gods to walk around. Don't feel bad for Syd though, my dad, Pop Pop set up a tent in the backyard and they had a camp out.

I'll be honest, it is Sunday and it is Father's Day but I didn't go. The anxiety that would start whenever I thought about going was too much. But also I didn't want to sit at home all morning thinking about today and the lack of happy feelings that accompanies today. So Becks and I packed some snacks and took off. It is such a beautiful day!

Becks wanted to "cimb a rock" this is his TA-DA moment!

Now we're "cimb a mountan"

He's named after a soccer player but my child is obsessed with trains, cars and bugs. We spent most of our walk looking at ants

Becks and Mommy

I tend to forget that tourists actually come to Colorado Springs and visit Garden of the Gods. To me it's just the place you go for a picnic and a hike. But it really is breathtakingly beautiful

Happy Father's Day!

My own father is one of my biggest supports! He is always helpful with my children, he has been my ear that I talk to, he helps me anyway he can. It makes me tear up to think about how blessed I have been to have a Daddy like mine

My Daddy with his mid-life crisis at Garden of the Gods

*

Something good.....I can never regret the decisions and actions that have brought my babies into my life. Thank you for them!

Happy Father's Day!

K

8...........

Let's all be PINK!!

I can't keep my hair the same for very long. It needs to change or I start to go a little crazy! So I cut off 12 inches (Locks-of-Love donation) Then added some blonde, then added more blonde, then added red, then more red, then decided I hated it and went back dark, back to my "roots" Then I got some heavier bangs, decided to grow it out again, but cut it so it wasn't so shaggy. Well today I put some pink extensions in it and I LOVE IT!!! I can't have anything funky during school so for the summer I'm going PINK!!!

Sydnee also got to have her hair done. We are going to try having a perm because she refuses to let me touch her hair and I'm sick of it looking so shaggy. It's CRAZY curly right now, but it will relax and look so cute!!! Of course though, she saw Mommy's pink hair and wanted her own!

Sydnee and Gaye. The incredible woman who always humors me and my constantly changing mind!

Mommy and Sydnee

Curly Sassy

LOVE it!!!!

For all those moments I feel like screaming!


Something good....I'm getting nervous. I'm shaking a lot and rapid thinking is going through my head. I'm worried about how I'm going to feel and react this coming week, but I'm prepared! I'm almost looking forward to seeing what I can do
K

9....

Wait for the moment to pass

Yes, I have anxiety. I can feel it sometimes, I look at my hands expecting them to be shaking then realize that my body's not moving, it's all in my head. Something I've been trying to learn to fix is to not feed into it. Hula dancing, talking in front of people, realizing that there isn't anyone there to help reassure me....all things I was fighting yesterday. I've learned that listening to music and specific songs really helps. I can't make the anxiety go away, I'm just learning to wait for it to pass.

Yesterday wasn't bad at all. I've only taught little primary girls before, so I was really nervous, but it turned out ok. I am really glad it's over, and I'm going to call it a learning and challenging situation. I don't want to do it again, but if that's something I need to work on then.....

I have some amazing girls in my ward! I am always nervous to talk to people, but they are all so incredibly nice and supportive! I know that I'm supposed to be in my home which is in this specific ward for a reason.

Something good....This one's for you Tutu!

Last time I saw you I wasn't ready, but I've changed. It is gone now, and it would feel wrong any other way.

Notice my flower placement?

K

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The countdown begins.......

10

Why do I do this to myself?

I don't think it's a very well known fact but I loathe public speaking! If I know you I can yak your ear off, but usually I have grown out of the part of me that likes attention. I would rather sing a solo than speak!! So, why did I agree to teach a hula for tomorrows enrichment luau? I don't know, a month ago it sounded fine, 2 weeks ago I started getting nervous, today....well lets just say I'm freaking out! Plus my computer is not cooperating so I can't download the music I need. I can't concentrate, every hula I start ends with my goofing off and adding like a Tahiti booty shake. I'm supposed to teach 2 dances tomorrow evening??? Oh wow wish me luck! Why do I keep doing this???

To be continued.....

Ahh Grandma Guchi come save me!!!

Something good....I can do an awesome booty shake!

K

Farewell to curls!

Sassy is in summer school right now. She was really nervous and kept telling me she was going to be shy for a minute (seriously her shyness lasts for about 60 seconds) Well we were both happy to find out that her teacher is Mrs. Meghan who was her teacher 2 years ago. Mrs. Meghan was also happy to see Sydnee and kept commenting on how big she had gotten. I know she's grown but Mrs. Meghan also asked what happened to Sydnee's curls?

What did happen to my baby's curly hair? I have curly hair that didn't really turn curly until I was 14! Sydnee has had curly hair since she was a baby, it was beautiful! Well in the past year it has become straighter! I actually had layers cut into it thinking it would revive the curls....the opposite happened! It made it worse!

Maybe when she's older it will come back. I think mine gets worse as I get older. But for now... farewell to my baby curls!

Sydnee on her first day of preschool in Mrs. Meghan's class
August 2007

Sydnee 2 years old
Don't you just want to squish her? She's so CUTE!!!


Something good... someone must love me! Yesterday when I left for work there was a gift on my doorstep. It is a carved sign that says "By FAITH we begin.... by HOPE we continue." It now hangs by my door as a reminder. No note, I don't know who gave it to me, but they must know how important that saying will always be to me. Thank you!!!
K

Becks, where did you come from?

I've said this a lot, and Beckham is completely my baby, but sometimes I wonder "Where did this kid come from?"


Sydnee is my complete minature, she's crazy about music, totally goofy, feisty, stubborn, mouthy, hates shoes, likes burned popcorn, always makes funny faces in pictures.....I could go on and on about our similarities. But Beckham? He is kinda our opposite!




Well he's sweet, cuddly, quiet, patient, a good sleeper (yes I'm saying Sydnee and I are more Sassy than sweet) He is a loving follower and usually listens to others pretty well, while Syd and I don't really listen to anyone, including each other, I'm sure our fights as she gets older will be huge. Beckham is happiess and love! Even Beckham's coloring is completely different...he was born with red hair and gray/blue eyes! (although he rocks the Jones nose!)




All his opposite traits are really good (could you imagine 3 of me?!?) But I was shocked to realize that Beckham doesn't like WATER!!! We have a sprinkler and Becks hates it, if he gets wet he screams and runs away! This fact alone makes me wonder where he came from? I LOVE water! Sydnee loves water, even if it's so cold she's turning blue!


Well with summer here and my plan to spend as much time as possible outside with water, this should be interesting! Anyway, here's a picture of a few weeks ago when this interesting development came to my attention...they're bubbles for goodness sake! But he was getting wet and he was screaming!


Becks I'll keep you and fight for you anyway! I need balance and diversity! I love you baby boy, but we're going to have to work on that water problem....



Something good.... I have realized that one way I can fight manic and completely grumpy moments is to work out! I dread it sometimes, but I always, always feel better afterward! I'm writing it so whenever I get all weird other people can remind me! Plus I look better when I work out, win win situation!
K

Dear Sydnee and Beckham,


I want you both to know that I love you. Today is the 5 year anniversary of our sealing as a family. I have always called it our family anniversary. I also want you both to know that the greatest comfort I have recieved through these past 6 months is the reassurance that no matter what we are still sealed together and the 3 of us will always be a family. I know sometimes Mommy gets grumpy and frustrated, I'm sorry for those moments, but I love you both so much. Families are forever and without that promise life would be much harder to face. You are my greatest blessings and I know that you have both always been a part of me. Happy anniversary babies!

Love,
Mommy

Sealed Together for Time and All Eternity
June 8, 2004

By Faith We Begin...By HOPE We Continue!

I'm going to post this while I'm still reeling from my morning. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Part of it is stress, part anxiety, part just the way I am, part of it is working so much my body is just out of whack. So last night was no exception, I was still awake at 3am punching my pillow wondering why I had been laying there for 4 hours. So when my alarm went off at 7am I thought "no way, I just got to sleep." So even though church is at 9am, I rolled over and went back to sleep.

Finally at 9am the kids woke me up so I decided we could still make it for Sunday school. Getting 2 kids plus myself is always a struggle, but we did it, and we looked pretty darn cute too.

Sunday School is actually difficult for me, sitting alone while I see everyone else coupled together. Most of the time, I'm completely fine being alone, but this is always one moment that stings. Relief Society started as always, love singing, I said the opening prayer and then the lesson starts. As Sister Nader starts she begins to talk about hope, how important hope is and how we all need to have hope. That hit me, I lost it, completely. I started sobbing and couldn't stop!

I have to say that honestly, I am crazy strong, I have multiple times and in multiple ways realized how right my decision was. I don't regret my decision, don't miss most things, and know that my actions are right. I've had complete faith in what I'm doing, no matter how hard it is sometimes. But hope? Do I have any real hope? I haven't had that, and the realization that I don't really feel hope hit me hard. I know I will be fine. I will graduate, be able to financially support myself, my kids, be Mom and Dad to my children, I can do it all. But those thoughts are for mostly my children, I am working as hard as I can to make sure that they are fine. Am I fine? Do I have any hope?

I've felt so stagnant lately, I'm not in school, I'm just working, nothing is really going on. I still have 2 weeks until court and everyday dealing with all the factors involved with that is a battle. I have had no support from R, and lately he has said and done some horrible things that I have had to battle. So even though I didn't want to leave my bed, I KNOW that I was supposed to be sitting in that room today. I need to have hope. Hope for me, hope for my children, hope that it won't only be ok, it will be everything I've been working for. So that's what I'm going to work on, as scary as the thought of thinking someday I will be honestly happy, I will try to have hope in that thought. Hope will be my optimistic expectation. I need to move past doing all my actions because of faith and begin to hope that all the pain and hurt will completely be resolved.

When Syd, Becks and I got home I decided to put my camera up and take a quick family picture, so I can see and remember my hope.


My face is still red from crying so these pictures have to be in black and white!

We can't help but make funny faces

I have 2 of the most beautiful children! They are such a blessing that I have been given! And they love each other so much. I know that this may not always be the case, but for right now, we are all best friends. In this picture Sydnee was in time out and when I came to talk to her, Beckham was sitting on her lap because he didn't want her to be alone.

Something good....I am becoming more content alone, watching a movie, going shopping, whatever. I am enjoying my own company!
K

All hail the conquering graduate!

I know, I know. Big liar, my sister and my mother both kicked me! I'm sorry, life seems to get in the way sometimes! So, here's our update....

Lisa Lewis decided to take pity on me and help with my gardening hopes. She came over and ripped out all the grass from around my tree so I could have a flower garden. She's the BEST!

Lisa and Gavin Lewis

Sydnee helping with our gardening the front yard

Our new flower garden around our tree, Sydnee even put little rocks to circle the tree

Sydnee graduated preschool! She will be going to kindergarten in August! Well I promised MONTHS ago that we could go to Chucky Cheese when Syd finished preschool. She did not forget that promise so on her last day of class, off we went to the place where a kid can be a kid.

Beckham was actually chasing Chucky with a plastic spider

Sydnee and PopPop

Becks riding Bob the Builder

Sassy and Nana

Me, Kadi and Beckham. I don't think he wanted a picture taken

Kadi and I had a Dance Dance revolution competition

Who won?????????

I did of course!

Take that Kadi! I kicked your trash!

I'm so proud of you Sassy! You are the sweetest girl, the best helper, the most loving sister! I am so glad that you are my daughter and one of my best friends to be with. I know that I have been so blessed to have you as my baby girl and I love you so much!


Something good.... there are actual goals and issues that I've been trying to fix within myself. And even though I don't like having those issues tested I've passed! I'm not perfect, but I'm better than I was yesterday, and I will be even better tomorrow!

K