The end is near...

When you know it's coming. Your life is NEVER going to be the same, you keep trying to move on with your day, but that thought keeps popping into your head. You're not ready, 10 years and it's over in 3 days. 3 more days then the person you are has to change. You spend so long completely combining yourself with someone, every part of yourself is touched by them. How do you move on? How do you hold your keep going? There's a line in the movie Sleepless in Seattle which Tom Hanks says "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out.." I almost disagree, I'm holding my breath because releasing and inhaling is too painful right now.

K

Good ole AZ

Here it is, my week in a (hopefully) short synopsis. But please bear with me we did a lot of things....

So to start off, we left after I got out of class on Friday. Me, my Mom, Becks and Syd. We drove to Albequerque got a hotel, went swimming (which I think was the only thing Syd wanted to do the whole trip) then set off for AZ the next day.

Becks sleeping during our car trip. His lips are so cute!


Sydnee was sick in the hotel, poor baby


Once in Mesa, I went to my fav sis-in-laws Gina's house (Sorry Anna Marie, you are such a close second, but I see Gina more often) We went over to R's mothers town home for dinner. The kids and I stayed the night at Nate and Gina's house. Sydnee got to have a sleepover with her cousins. I've decided that even if I'm divorced from R I still get to claim his family as my own.

3 beautiful girls
Stitch (Tenille) Sassy (Sydnee) and Annie (Julianne)

Cousins (minus Noelle)


Grandpa Eagar with Sydnee and Tenille
Sydnee has always loved Grandpa Eagar, as a baby he was the first person she recognized and called for after Mommy and Daddy


On Sunday we went to Grandma Guchi's house in Tolleson. We had dinner at my Uncle Dave and Aunt Melody's house. My cousins took the kids on gocart rides around Tolleson. Beckham especially loved it!

Becks and Bryce

Nana, Beckham and Cardon (hey Cardon, you look like that in every picture I have of you)


Sydnee had noticed a few days before that she didn't have a mumu that was her size. My amazing Grandma made her one in only a few hours.



Isn't she so beautiful?


Sydnee with Grandpa De's Moose, she kept petting it and singing to it


Beckham in the infamous Grandma Jones rocking chair. I used to sit in that chair as a kid. I think every Jones cousin has fond memories of that chair!


Becks and his determined face running around Grandma's yard


After Tolleson we went to Chandler to stay with Fawn and her family. That night after eating REAL Mexican food, we had Mesa Frozen! It's my absolute favorite!!! It was great, it was the first time in a really long time where I felt truly happy! (see earlier pic)

Becks eating frozen yogurt. Thomas the train goes everywhere with him and he always has to feed Thomas


We met up with Grandpa Iannoli and played at the park
Sydnee and Grandpa Iannoli

Beckham and Grandpa Iannoli


The kids spent sometime at Grandma McBride's house for lunch so Fawn and I went to LJ's Pizza together. My favorite restaraunt!


One night we had GIRLS NIGHT OUT! While at Olive Garden I saw Mike and Sarah Rogan! It was so incredible! I was hoping to see them. Sarah is prego with TRIPLETS! Holy cow, but they are going to be absolutely amazing parents, and I'm sure their children are going to come out as little musical prodigies.


The Girls
Emily, Gina, Fawn (with baby Faleen) Brea, me and Erin


There are so many things I didn't take pictures of. We went to Neilsen's for dinner and met Sean and Ashley, Dusty and Brad, and Ryan Jorgensen. It was quite the reunion of my junior high friends (I can't believe we didn't take any pictures!) It was so fun, so exhausting, but really great to be with my friends. I miss AZ, especially my girls! Maybe we'll come visit this summer but for now. I'm back in school. I'm really trying to make it through this week. R leaves to move to AZ on Friday. I'm ok some moments, but most of the time, I'm heartbroken. If you happen to think about me, Syd and Becks sometime this week. Please pray with us that we will feel comfort.

To all those in AZ who I miss and love, thank you, thank you! For all you've already done to help me breathe again.

K

Rocky Mountain High Colorado

So I'm home, with a HUGE list of things to do before I have 6am clinicals tomorrow morning. Sorry, no time to post pics yet. But I have a bunch that I will get to sometime this week. But today I had a personal lesson on what a still small voice the spirit can be. I'm sitting there through Sunday School and Relief Society and I was crying (don't feel bad I cry a lot) and I kept having a nagging feeling that I should talk to this specific girl. I've briefly met her and said "hi" to each other mostly, but after inquiring I was told I should talk to her. So I asked her after church if I could call. She seemed surprised but agreed. This afternoon we talked for 2 1/2 hours. And she completely understood my position. How I'm feeling, what's going on. She gave me hope for my future, and it was great to talk to someone who understands the pain. I think that I just met someone who will be so instrumental to me in this process and in turn my become a really great friend. It was the smallest thought that kept popping up, but sometimes you don't need a bolt of lightning, you need to have faith in that small instinct.

K

Coming home...

A blizzard has delayed us. There is no way you can drive into Colorado through a blizzard. So today I layed around, went to IKEA (evil store, I'm convinced you can never go and not buy anything) had some more fatty foods (I've gained at least 5 lbs) But tommorow, we're really off. Back to CO, no more AZ and warm sun, awesome friends, delicious food. Back to reality, back to battle.......

K

I laughed today. Completely, without any aching!


K

I'm off

So 2 posts in one day, but it's all because I'm leaving tomorrow!!! 85204 here I come! I'm really excited! I don't really have a plan of what I'm doing when or where but I'm hoping it will be great just to see my family and friends. So there won't be much posting until I get back.

Tonight was Klair's bridal shower, which to me is like banging my head against the wall. Oh lovely look they're getting married (don't cry koren) oh what a great gift (don't cry koren) this cheesecake is awesome (don't cry koren) and so on. Lisa ran offense for me. Changing the subject when anyone tried to bring up certain topics, staying close. It's good to have good friends!


K

Are you ok?

Funny question actually...am I ok? how am I doing? how are things going? how have you been?

I understand that these are extremely normal and ingrained opening questions for conversations with other people. We really need to fix this, because the person asking probably doesn't want to know your honest answer. Then the conversation or the friendship is just superficial.

For me to answer these questions it would be...No I'm not ok, maybe someday after hours of counseling and praying, but today I'm not ok. I'm not doing well, my family is not doing well, things have been bad, rough, exhausting. I'm going to say that divorce causes probably one of the worst feelings I could ever imagine short of something happening to my children. I cry a lot, I'm bitter, I'm upset, I want to throw things. I understand why people in the movies rip up clothes, throw tvs out the window.....I'm not that person. I don't want my things damaged, and it's childish so I'm not going to give into those thoughts. But it's not ok, I'm not ok, I'm struggling and right now I'm just trying to tread the water.

Lisa makes me laugh, she's the person I call when things are really bad. I vent to her. And she always says something like "there are only 5 hours left in the day, then you get to try again tomorrow." It really is helpful. Sure I'm taking life one day at a time, but I'm getting out of bed, taking care of my kids and loving them, doing what I'm supposed to be doing. And ensuring that each kid gets one on one time with Mommy everyday. So even if I'm not ok, I'm trying.

I've decided that instead of the usual "how's it goin?" conversation openers. I'm going to say things like "Hey what's your favorite color?" "How do you like your eggs cooked?" "When is your birthday?" These are things that you should know about your friends (ok maybe you don't need to know about eggs, but you should know a favorite dessert) I'm seriously going to try. It's going to be difficult, but hopefully it will bridge the gap between acquaintance and friend.

K
Just because she's cute!

Here we go again

Nursing school feels endless. First you have your pereqs for the actual prereqs. So you take biology, math, english, psych....then there's the actual prereqs Anatomy and phys I and II, microbiology, developmental psych. Then you wait after 1 1/2 years of taking classes to be able to take classes that actually apply to your degree you wait again. In my case I only waited oh 2 1/2 years (seriously I'm not making this up) then you get into a program that is unstructured, unfair and run by people who you question their own intelligence. You here things like "Well yeah on the floor that would be what you would do but in textbook world we do it like this.." Seriously!!!! Half of your class fails (not joking we've lost HALF of our class) and they fail over really small things. And you wonder...am I ever actually going to be a nurse? Or when To put it into perspective I have been attending school since Sydnee was 10 months old. The only semester I wasn't in school was when I had Becks. Syd will be 6 years old when I graduate and Becks will be 3!

I have just entered MedSurg II. Where on the first day I was told my schedule was changing (happens every time, don't even think about planning day care or work ahead) And I'm fairly sure that I'm in for 8 weeks of junk! But all I can do....just keep swimming. It's not an option to fail! Well he leaves in 2 weeks and my sister is getting married (I can't go, can't miss a clinical day EVER) and I am just trying to figure everything out one day at a time.

Spring break in 2 more days!!! Going to AZ will try to fill my bucket of good times and love before I come back to face my mountain!

K

Reality

I don't think the realization of a situation ever hits all at once. It's little things here and there. Sydnee had to go to the dentist today. She had to be sedated for them to work on her. I knew this was the plan and as soon as the medication kicked in I saw her eyes start to roll and I picked her up to hold her. She said funny things like "why does that guy have 2 heads?" and "Mommy your tummy is gone!" and she kept saying "I feel funny." It was so endearing, she was so vulnerable and Mama Bear in me came out and wanted to make sure that she was safe. As I was holding her hand while they worked on her I realized that from here on out it's me being Mama Bear, I have to be the one to take care of her and protect her. And I'm going to be doing it alone.

Now, you can say that sure, she still has a Dad, he of course loves her. But he's not here everyday. I am. My parents care too, they are here, and are so helpful. But she and Beckham are my responsibility, my babies. I am it. The buck stops here. I'm terrified of that thought. I always thought, it takes 2 people to make a baby because you need someone else who feels the exact same way about your baby. You're not alone in thinking they are the cutest, smartest, most adorable, sweetest, beautiful thing ever!!! But now I am it, every boo boo, every happy time, every frustrating moment is mine alone. I realized that today.

It makes me scared, sad, but most of all determined. If these two amazing kids have to depend on me until they're ready to fly alone. I'm going to be great! We are going to have love in our home, and giggles, and I will be there for them no matter what may happen. It's going to take a lot of praying and many tears. But even if we look broken we're still a family.


K

Weekend Madness!!!

So this weekend was serious madness! I took at least 1,200 pictures! I took pics of R and the kids (Beckham was a stinker) then the Hepford family and their new baby girl. And the Stewart family.
So Sydnee did awesome taking pictures while Beckham was running away and throwing his train into the lake. Whatya gonna do? He's 2 years old. I just wanted my children to have pictures with their Daddy for times when they don't get to see him as much.
Isn't she so sweet?


I love this shot and the mountains and trees!

Seriously the only shot where Becks looked slightly happy.

The Hepford family is actually Lisa's brother. He has a really touching and inspirational story. Stephen has testicular cancer and while he had cancer his wife conceived his daughter Joy. I've been also keeping up his blog too if you want more information about it you can read about them here
This shot made Lisa cry!


Love this face!!!!



Most of these I was volunteered for. But it's fine, I love doing it and it gave me something to focus on.

Plus I cannot forget the Thomas the Train on stage that I was so privileged to go to with Becks and my Mom. (best theatre experience EVER!)Actually Becks had a blast. My mom spoiled him and bought him a shirt, a plate and a Thomas light. As soon as the play started and Thomas came out Beckham was squealing then he kept shouting "Purrcy ahh ooo?" (Percy where are you) Seeing him so happy was what made the whole night so fun!
Becks and Mommy



I'm so tired, it was a long weekend and now it's the start of my Med-Surg class! But right now I'm going to go get ready for the gym, I need some endorphins! "because endorphins make you happy and happy people don't just kill their husbands!" (name that movie!)


K

Wishing you were somehow here again

Phantom of the Opera!!! I love it, I want to go again, everyday. I get so giddy and happy just as the opening music starts playing. There is such a connection to your soul with music. It was amazing!!!

Lisa and I went to Maggiano's Italian Restaurant. GREAT food. But honestly I have the best dessert I've ever had in my entire life. I plan on driving up there again just for the dessert.

We had pretty good seats. And we had such a fun time. The goal of the night was I wasn't going to cry....I did pretty good, mostly. I would tear up and then we would quickly change the subject. But all in all it was GREAT!!!!

Oh my test? Yeah totally passed that so I am officially 5/8 of a nurse. I start Med-Surg II next week. Then I have Spring break during which I will be soaking up sun in AZ!!

I still have to mention Krystal. We met up for breakfast to study and then went shopping. And she saved my eyes. They were HUGE! Seriously they are so raw from crying and rubbing and crying and rubbing that they were VERY red and puffy. We went into Origins and I became her project. She tried all these creams on my and we found magic cream. No puffy by Origins totally works! I still have some wrinkles from where the skin was stretched (AHHHHH wrinkles) but I don't look like I took a baseball to the eyes.

I'm going to take the kids with Lisa to Little Biggs today, and indoor play area and pizza buffet. For only $5/person. Can't beat that!

Thank you so much for your support. And if you're someone reading this in AZ, be prepared, I'm coming! And I plan on having a GREAT time!

K

It's a big one....

Day that is, it's my final for psych. I think I'll be fine just every test is nerve wracking!!! Then tonight I am going to Denver for Phantom of the Opera. With Lisa, she deserves a night off where we have fun instead of me crying. I LOVE musicals and the theatre so this should be good.

Right now I feel like I'm in a different world. I'm sitting with an eye cooling mask on my face (seriously my eyes are taking this whole crying thing really badly) and I'm not in my own home (my parents) and it's 8:30am and it's quiet. The kids spent the night with R and will spend all day and tonight with him too. I thought I would sleep in.....yeah right!

So far today I'm ok, but I really hate that question..."How are you?" Do you want my honest answer or should I just say "Good, ok, fine" in a bubbly voice. I'm not that bubbly right now, the closer it gets to him leaving the closer I get to asking to be tranquilized. Not completely just give me something so I wake up a week later and I can still function.

Have I talked about my Bishop yet? How inspired he really is? I went in with a prayer that he would understand me and he never questioned my decision. He has been completely supportive and always asking if there is more he and the ward can do. I didn't even want to move into the stupid house that we bought I wanted a different one but I was out voted by R, my parents, our realtor. Now I'm extremely grateful to be where I am surrounded by the people I am. Thank you!

There will be Phantom pics tomorrow and hopefully good news that I passed my class and I am that much closer to being a nurse!

K

The time has come

I have a feeling that I may have this title for many posts coming up but for now it applies to moving. Me and the kids, moving in with my parents. I'm trying not to change the kids lives too much but whenever I'm at my home I can't stop sobbing (please see past post) But as soon as I moved here the tears diminished by at least half. So I need some distance.

I have got to study today!!!! I have my psych final tomorrow and the ammount of studying that I've done equals zilch! But I also have to go to the DMV and switch the title of the car over to me, take Syd to and from school, meet with the Bishop. I know I'm making excuses I just don't want to!! (imagine me stomping my feet)

Speaking of stomping, Sydnee! Everytime I try to get R to talk to her she starts hysterically laughing and roughousing so he thinks she doesn't want to talk. HELLO, defense mechanism! Then while we were in Kohls she started throwing a fit, I mean screaming, falling down, sobbing....the reaction I was looking for when we told her that her Daddy was moving. So she's projecting but I don't know what to do?

I have to mention Krystal, my fellow nursing school buddy who has solely made sure I have passed my tests. She sits there and quizzes me for hours and not nicely either. She even tells me if I don't pay attention I'm going to fail! Well I have a study date with Krystal tonight at Old Chicago (cause what's the fun of studying if you can't eat appetizers?)

Wish me luck!!!

I'm finished with psych clinicals!!! So here's my class with all the AWESOME people who have been so nice and supportive as I've been in the hospital, unable to talk, trying not to cry during clinicals. Thank you!!!

Thank you for the comments!

Honestly, I don't want to call people just to have them listen to me sob into the phone. But it is so comforting to read the comments I am getting. I read and reread them often so thank you! It may only take you a few moments to write but it let's me know I'm not all alone, and people care.

K

Where is the faucet handle?

I'm going to attempt some humor today...I think I may be making some people slightly depressed. I am a strong person...most of the time. When I'm at school, clinicals, with the kids, work I'm mostly buisness. There have been moments when I can't fight it. But for all that time of being strong and stoic as soon as my kids are in bed and I'm home I can't stop crying. Don't feel bad it really is mostly annoying. I can't have conversations, can't get anything done I just sob. R was actually concerned because last night was our final night together as family. We didn't fight we just talked about how in a different life, different situation we would've always been together. How we still and will always love each other. But the entire night I cried, couldn't stop, couldn't breathe at some points. For seriously 5 hours, I could not stop the tears. My face is getting a rash from tears and wiping my face, honestly. So I'm wishing there was a faucet handle, how do I stop them??? I know I'm heartbroken, but do I need to never have a moment when I can just inhale deeply? As I sit here they start again. Anyone have any tips???


Just because I am a Grobanite...R and I never had a song but now I've found it.

And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today

And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today

If I'm forgetting something kick me

I feel like I'm in a daze. There are so many things I need to get done, so what did I do today? Took a shower. I have a final this week that I haven't even opened the book. The realization that he will be gone in 3 weeks....It won't ever be the same. We will never sneak out for lunch again, watch TV and joke together in a way that no one else understands. I won't be able to call him when I'm having a bad day, have someone there to tell me that I have to keep going. It's hitting me and it's hitting hard. Some days I want to close my eyes and when they open everything is fixed.

I'm thinking I need to go spend some more time on my knees.

This hurts

We have totally reached the bargaining phase. I desperately want to plead and beg. Please don't give us up, why aren't we good enough?

I think that I'm going to dehydrate from all the crying. Fawn was here this weekend and I had a girls night with her and Lisa. I cried so much my under eyes are raw from rubbing.

This is totally embarrassing to be writing for everyone to read, but it seems to be my release of sorts.

I'm going to move in with me parents, the kids and I are going to move. We don't really fight, but I'm not as emotional when we're not so close. He's moving the first week of April and we'll move back in to the house then.

Fawn brought Faleen her 5 week old baby with her. She's so innocent, she has no knowledge of the pain this life can have. I hope that she never will have to know. I wish my own babies could escape without pain. Put it all on me, just protect them.

One day I'll feel good enough for something, one day I will be able to wear eye makeup without wiping it off, I will be able to hear songs without having moments when I can't breathe. One day....I hope.


Becks seems to have some luck in love! He wanted to kiss Faleen, she didn't stand a chance


K

Bargaining

"Approved for transfer"....the email says. Yesterday when I felt like I was living with a teenager I would've been more than thrilled to see those words. I was doing so well, being a robot. But today my reaction should've been relief. At least he still has a really good job, But I broke down. Fawn was here to hold me. But I still feel like I'm not ready. Why didn't he try harder. We're a pretty awesome family. My children are adorable and I know I'm not perfect, but I could be so much worse. Why aren't we enough?

I didn't expect this. I felt like there were some stages of grief that I wouldn't hit. Bargaining especially, but right now I want to beg. Please just be that husband, that father. Don't leave us, but I prayed for this specific thing. That he would be able to transfer his job. I prayed for it last night. I know this is the right thing, I'm just going to take a small ammount of time to mourn for my marriage, for my children, for me.

Thank you Heavenly Father for knowing that I would need Fawn right now, and my Mother for calling me not even 2 minutes after I read that email. Thank you.

K

One day at a time

It's hitting us, all of us. Change is coming and we're going to have to endure the storm before the calm. I know that I am trying really hard to not be manipulated to stay calm and try to be a robot. Because when everyone becomes emotional that's when it becomes chaos. Well the other party doesn't deal well with my robot. So then he's yelling and throwing a fit in front of the Sydnee. I suggest we go elsewhere so we end up in the car. It was cold so I told Sydnee I would be right back. We are talking in the car, who should move where, what money blah! I was doing well being a robot, thinking clearly, not getting emotional when Sydnee came outside. Dressed head to toe in her snow clothes. Scarf, hat, mittens even. I lost it then, tears came pouring out. She didn't want us to be fighting so she and I went inside. We made lunch, she's going to take the afternoon off from school, we're planting some sunflowers together....

I don't know what to do! How do I stay strong enough for my kids when I feel like I can't even move myself. I do so well for a few days then I crash again. The absolute worst part of any of this is the kids feeling sad. They are so clingy to me that I'm taking some FMLA from work.

An angel is coming to visit today. Fawn is flying in to see me for the weekend. The little miracles that keep me walking.

Sometimes I can look ahead and see what our lives may become, I can plan with hope for the future. But today I'm just trying to make it through.

Right now, this instance I'm going to go give my baby girl some much needed hugs!

Thanks for the distraction

I was awake this morning laying in bed, refusing to get up or even open my eyes. Today is F day I say it that way because it's filing day. Meet with the lawyer again, give him the papers that took you hours to fill out because you were crying and have him start the proceedings to your divorce. (I always want to call that the D word) I am dreading this, but I am so sure of what I'm supposed to be doing, so I'm doing it.

Well the kids were already awake and playing. Then I hear Beckham screaming, and Sydnee telling him "just let me put this on your head!" Immediate thoughts of Target grocery bags fill my head so I jump up to go save the 2 year old. Well I was completely taken aback because Beckham was covered in my stamp pads. He's done somethin like this before. Syd is sitting on the couch completely dazed watching Dora. I sent both of them to time out! Clean up the stamps then grabbed the camera for future posterity.

I had told him he was going to take a bath then made him wait while I took a picture! He was not impressed


Yes that stamp says Naughty or Nice?
Hmmmm....I wonder


A back shot, I don't think the 2 year old is flexible enough to stamp his own back.
I smell a set up!


Thank you kids for providing me with a mystery and a clean up to take my mind away from my dreaded day. I love you but this is your last free one. Next time you going to have to do some community service!