Reality

I don't think the realization of a situation ever hits all at once. It's little things here and there. Sydnee had to go to the dentist today. She had to be sedated for them to work on her. I knew this was the plan and as soon as the medication kicked in I saw her eyes start to roll and I picked her up to hold her. She said funny things like "why does that guy have 2 heads?" and "Mommy your tummy is gone!" and she kept saying "I feel funny." It was so endearing, she was so vulnerable and Mama Bear in me came out and wanted to make sure that she was safe. As I was holding her hand while they worked on her I realized that from here on out it's me being Mama Bear, I have to be the one to take care of her and protect her. And I'm going to be doing it alone.

Now, you can say that sure, she still has a Dad, he of course loves her. But he's not here everyday. I am. My parents care too, they are here, and are so helpful. But she and Beckham are my responsibility, my babies. I am it. The buck stops here. I'm terrified of that thought. I always thought, it takes 2 people to make a baby because you need someone else who feels the exact same way about your baby. You're not alone in thinking they are the cutest, smartest, most adorable, sweetest, beautiful thing ever!!! But now I am it, every boo boo, every happy time, every frustrating moment is mine alone. I realized that today.

It makes me scared, sad, but most of all determined. If these two amazing kids have to depend on me until they're ready to fly alone. I'm going to be great! We are going to have love in our home, and giggles, and I will be there for them no matter what may happen. It's going to take a lot of praying and many tears. But even if we look broken we're still a family.


K