How do you measure strength?

Strength in the body is easy to measure. How much can you bench? I went out with a guy who was constantly asked this, it made him so mad, but I thought it should've been considered a compliment. People saw him and thought that he exuded strength. Well I'm not a girl that you may look at and see strength. But watch me for a few hours and I may amaze you.

I can remember life in December. The pain, it was unbearable and I was unsure of how to keep walking. I'm not walking anymore, I am sprinting, while taking the time to dance around with my kids. It took months to see any glimpse of strength. So many people told me how strong I seemed when I wanted to look around and ask "where?"

But I see the situations that are still attacking me. They actually seem to get worse. Like I find my stride and that just means that I have to be challenged deeper. I can recognize these challenges and holding my head up I will look them in the eye and fight back. Because I know my path.

There is a person who has shown me all these things. There are multiple moments throughout my day where I can hear this person's voice in my head. Things like "you don't see yourself clearly." "never cower, you are not a person who ever cowers." "you are small but the fight I see in you is greater than my physical strength will ever be." So many moments when I was on my knees and I felt pulled to my feet.

Thank you for showing me where I could find my strength. I find it in my prayers, in my scriptures, in my children, in my family and friends, and through all those things I find it in ME!

Something good....I still do have really strong legs and I can still beat most of my family leg wrestling. Anyone want to challenge me? I will probably win!

K

Family

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars above you

You never need to doubt it

I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me

Though life would still go on, believe me

God only knows what I'd be without you...

*

Family is not defined by distance, anger, support, or time.

It's a bond that is never broken.

K

Where there's smoke....

I feel like I should rename this blog "Tales from singlemotherhood/nursing school/night shift hospital worker......

Well yesterday it was tales from singlemotherhood!

It was Saturday! Ahhh blessed Saturday! The ONLY day in the entire week that I can sleep past 7am. Sydnee is really good about getting up, not bothering me, turning on cartoons and snacking on approved breakfast snacks.

Well yesterday morning at about 7:45am I awake to Sydnee bursting in my room screaming "Mommy there's smoke!" My eyes fly open and I see that the room has a gray hazy tint to it. I yell some non G-rated words and fly downstairs. The house is completely gray, but there is no fire just a house filled with smoke. Beckham is standing by the couch gagging and spitting up black stuff. I grab him run to the bathroom throw open the window and help him get all the black out of his mouth.

Sydnee tells me that she was making waffles in the toaster and they started to turn black. So Beckham had tried to eat a black waffle. I don't know if the toaster short circuited or if she turned the cook time up (she swears she didn't and it was a $5 toaster) I open all the windows in the house, put a fan pointing out, then I realize WHY DIDN'T MY SMOKE DETECTORS GO OFF???? They didn't, so I need to get some new ones.

The kids spent the morning outside and I spent the morning trying to figure out how to make my house not smell like smoke. We are going to go through multiple bottles of febreeze because I would rather my house smell like Apple Spice than smoke!

Sometimes I don't know if I'm up to this. I get completely overwhelmed and I wonder how on earth I'm going to accomplish everything, but I don't really have much time to stop and ponder so I just keep swimming.

Something good....there was no fire. And we are all fine! All except the toaster, it was trashed and I got a new $15 one!
K

Is this child abuse?

My brother who is 24 years old, single and has nothing better to do with his time or money bought an automatic nerf gun. It's AWESOME! Although I really don't have $50 to blow on toys it was hilarious playing with it tonight. My first victim was Becks. You need to watch this video! My Dad recorded it and posted it to YouTube. It's not really child abuse if he's giggling right? Listen to the end of the video because he comes back and tells me "that's enough!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncIMfNV9PoY

Sydnee wanted to get in on our fun. She needed a little help but she wanted to shoot Nana!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYrtNPTslKU

Something good....just look at the videos and see the good things I have every day.
K

Do you mind if I just be blunt?

This blog is supposed to be my journal for our family. And I've tried, to a point, to be quite civil. Be nice, cause I don't really do the "mean and evil" thing well. And usually I feel peace within. He may rage and scream, try to get into my head, but I feel peace. But there are lies, complete lies that are being told. And usually I just sit quietly and hope that with time the truth will prevail. Well, it's time to prevail!

This is for you. I know you read this, I know you've read this. I know your actions and reactions. But I am done with laying down and not fighting back. I am not fighting to be a brat, I am fighting because I have 2 children who I have to take care of. Fighting because I am trying to do what is right. Fighting, because sometimes Heavenly Father wants you to fight for yourself.


R,

Some very disturbing information has come to my attention lately. It has been your actions of the past 4 months. The reason I have not known any of your actions? Well since the fact that you have not contacted your children in any way since Mother's Day! Do you think it is beneficial to your daughter to have to ask me multiple times why Daddy doesn't call her? "Why doesn't Daddy send me a card, I miss his hugs. Who's going to baptize me? Daddy smokes and doesn't go to church."

Your son, Beckham, remember him? He has your eyes. Well he doesn't recognize you in pictures anymore. Sydnee has to tell him who you are. And he is speaking so much. He is a joy, a complete joy to be with, but you have chosen to drink every weekend, to move to AZ and party like a rock star. Instead of being blessed with some joy from Becks.

Money, let's talk about money shall we? The front that you are giving is that you have been paying my mortgage? Giving me child support? HAAAA! Wow, I wish! My children and I have learned multiple ways to make sandwiches and hot dogs because I have not received ONE CENT! From you since April. And in case you forgot, it's September. But don't worry, I'm having that taken care of. I am glad that you've been able to keep up your payments on your new car. I would hate for you to not have a red sports car to zip around in. Sydnee didn't really need school clothes, it will be fine.

I am working nights at the hospital. I am the single Mom who never gets a break, in my final semester of nursing school so I can provide a better life for my children. And I am doing this alone. There has been no support, no contact, no upholding your end of our legal agreement. Without my parents, your children would be living on the streets.

As for your words and actions to me. When I receive a phone call at MY house from a girl asking for you because she had lost your other number and she liked going out with you (hmmm this was a girl in Colorado, and the entire time you were in Colorado you were married to ME) So I text you to ask you to please not have your girlfriends calling my home? Your response? "WHICH ONE?" So you are admitting that you did not honor our marriage vows and you had multiple relationships with other women! And you may brag about your children to others, how great they are, how smart.... you wouldn't know. And until you start to take better care of yourself you will not know. My children will not be around someone who is on drugs, drinks excessively, is violent, and unpredictable. Besides, only 2 months ago you told me AGAIN, how you think that they may not be your children. If you would like to hear my response AGAIN- "You are free to waste your own money for a paternity test. I will comply. But I honored my vows and promises I made to you."

If this is the life you have chosen over us, I hope that it makes you happy. I know that our lives are filled with more smiles and so much less tension and fear since you have gone.





I now make vows and promises to my children. Sydnee and Beckham, I have done and will continue to do everything that is within my power to fight for you. I love you, I will never leave you. We will be a family forever. I am sorry for the pain that this past year has caused you, I do what I have to, to ensure that we are physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually safe. I love you, and feel so privileged that I was chosen to be your Mother. All the love I have and all the fight that is necessary, I will give.

K

Something good... I'm still smiling, because I am fighting for what I want my life to be.