By Faith We Begin...By HOPE We Continue!

I'm going to post this while I'm still reeling from my morning. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Part of it is stress, part anxiety, part just the way I am, part of it is working so much my body is just out of whack. So last night was no exception, I was still awake at 3am punching my pillow wondering why I had been laying there for 4 hours. So when my alarm went off at 7am I thought "no way, I just got to sleep." So even though church is at 9am, I rolled over and went back to sleep.

Finally at 9am the kids woke me up so I decided we could still make it for Sunday school. Getting 2 kids plus myself is always a struggle, but we did it, and we looked pretty darn cute too.

Sunday School is actually difficult for me, sitting alone while I see everyone else coupled together. Most of the time, I'm completely fine being alone, but this is always one moment that stings. Relief Society started as always, love singing, I said the opening prayer and then the lesson starts. As Sister Nader starts she begins to talk about hope, how important hope is and how we all need to have hope. That hit me, I lost it, completely. I started sobbing and couldn't stop!

I have to say that honestly, I am crazy strong, I have multiple times and in multiple ways realized how right my decision was. I don't regret my decision, don't miss most things, and know that my actions are right. I've had complete faith in what I'm doing, no matter how hard it is sometimes. But hope? Do I have any real hope? I haven't had that, and the realization that I don't really feel hope hit me hard. I know I will be fine. I will graduate, be able to financially support myself, my kids, be Mom and Dad to my children, I can do it all. But those thoughts are for mostly my children, I am working as hard as I can to make sure that they are fine. Am I fine? Do I have any hope?

I've felt so stagnant lately, I'm not in school, I'm just working, nothing is really going on. I still have 2 weeks until court and everyday dealing with all the factors involved with that is a battle. I have had no support from R, and lately he has said and done some horrible things that I have had to battle. So even though I didn't want to leave my bed, I KNOW that I was supposed to be sitting in that room today. I need to have hope. Hope for me, hope for my children, hope that it won't only be ok, it will be everything I've been working for. So that's what I'm going to work on, as scary as the thought of thinking someday I will be honestly happy, I will try to have hope in that thought. Hope will be my optimistic expectation. I need to move past doing all my actions because of faith and begin to hope that all the pain and hurt will completely be resolved.

When Syd, Becks and I got home I decided to put my camera up and take a quick family picture, so I can see and remember my hope.


My face is still red from crying so these pictures have to be in black and white!

We can't help but make funny faces

I have 2 of the most beautiful children! They are such a blessing that I have been given! And they love each other so much. I know that this may not always be the case, but for right now, we are all best friends. In this picture Sydnee was in time out and when I came to talk to her, Beckham was sitting on her lap because he didn't want her to be alone.

Something good....I am becoming more content alone, watching a movie, going shopping, whatever. I am enjoying my own company!
K